Those of us in the medical field often warn our patients of the roller coaster ride of disease. I understand the analogy, but it's so much more than that when you are sitting on the other side of the desk.
First, roller coasters are meant to be fun. I love the thrill of the ride. But, the ups, downs and surprising turns are incomparable to how this really feels. Most importantly there's no end of the line where you jump off the ride to go enjoy another.
Cancer knocks you down and breaks your heart. There's no one there to hit the stop button when you want to get off. Cancer stands glaring at you when you have your head buried in your hands or on someones shoulder. You look back at it screaming Oh My God, I can't believe it's happening again, your strength is wavering and you wonder if this will be the end.
Life with cancer causes tears to fall, you get tired of walking the lonely hallways and you long to look into the mirror and not see fear starring back at you.Then the words come to you, that quiet but persistent voice is heard. Your friends and your family remind you that the war isn't over, that even though you can't find the strength to fight today, that this isn't the end. This isn't the first time you've fallen and it's not the last time you will get up.
So you live, day to day, and you dream about tomorrow. Hoping for the day when we can lay down our scalpels, chemotherapy, and other weapons of cancer destruction to go ride a real roller coaster with a new appreciation of how fun life is.
I go back to surgery soon and as I go to sleep I will remember that I have to be strong, that I believe in never giving up. I have often wondered where your brain goes when anesthesia tells your body not to move. I wonder where your soul sleeps while someone else breaths for you. I like to believe that it goes to all of those beautiful places we love. I'll be riding my horse through fields of daffodils and taking my cancer vacation.
Dear Cancer,
Maybe you've been wondering where I've been! I'm on vacation from you. In, October, you scared me beyond any Halloween decoration or Spooky Story! You caused me physical pain and emotional pain. You took me away from spending time with my precious sons! Now, you are forcing me to have surgery. But take a second look Cancer. Look at the smile on my face, the determination in my eyes. My mind has taken me to fields of wild flowers, to daffodils (the flower of hope). Places where horses run, fast as the wind! To mountains who's peaks are high as the sun! And where snow glistens in moonlight. To ocean waves that gently peel into foamy white lines. Where John Denver sings, "Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy". Where Michael Bolton reminds me, "Gonna break these chains around me, Gonna learn to fly again, may be hard, but I'll do it."
Here, there are no doctors or needles. No injections or IV's. Only the smiles of my friends, the arms of my family. Here I eat whatever I want .... chocolate, crawfish, big juicy hamburgers, bar-b-que- nachos, and guacamole ... and of course I go wherever I want .... Down to the waters edge, through the trees on a crooked rocky path, up the highest mountain seeing miles of earth below.
This proves that your powers of control are waning. In fact, I'm having such a good time that I've decided to extend my vacation --- from you --- permanently. I hope to never see you again. (former blog post 2011)
When this disease tries to break me... when I've had all I can stand... I will go to the places I love to be knowing there,
I will close my eyes no matter where I am and go to the place where I am with my boys that I love more than anyone... I'll be with the friends who make me laugh... I'll be with those who keep me dancing... I'll be with my mother who holds my hand and reminds me as she squeezes my hand three times that I am loved and I am not alone.
That because He lives, no matter what life brings, I can face tomorrow.
There are times when determined strength cracks under the pressure of what's ahead. Recently, I gained enormous respect for Valerie Harper and I admire her commitment to face death with a smile.
Because of her and so many others like her, I am determined to be myself and not my diagnosis. I stand with her, challenged to live today, to be here in this moment, even if it's a sad one.
We are all terminal,,,but I'm not going to your funeral and you're not coming to mine until that day. So none of us should grieve or fear that day...there's to much life to live in the between time.
I've been down this road before,
Never give up, never give in,
Gonna lay down for awhile
And then get up again.
No stopping now,
Still a ways I know.
More blogs to write,
Life to live,
Places to go.
Soon I'll shed that patient gown for my cute pajamas and dance my way right out of that hospital room back to all of you. Believe with me.
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| I have decided to try to illustrate some of my thoughts through art to go along with my blog posts. I really am no artist but hoping you can laugh with me at my attempts! |
