Tumors on the Horizon

I have blessed days that I forget I was diagnosed with a rare cancer. There are days that I feel guilty because I feel good and so many others do not. There are days that I get news of new tumors on the horizon and I am reminded that I am still fighting. 

Those of us in the medical field often warn our patients of the roller coaster ride of disease. I understand the analogy, but it's so much more than that when you are sitting on the other side of the desk. 

First, roller coasters are meant to be fun. I love the thrill of the ride. But, the ups, downs and surprising turns are incomparable to how this really feels. Most importantly there's no end of the line where you jump off the ride to go enjoy another. 

Cancer knocks you down and breaks your heart. There's no one there to hit the stop button when you want to get off. Cancer stands glaring at you when you have your head buried in your hands or on someones shoulder. You look back at it screaming Oh My God, I can't believe it's happening again, your strength is wavering and you wonder if this will be the end.

Life with cancer causes tears to fall, you get tired of walking the lonely hallways and you long to look into the mirror and not see fear starring back at you.Then the words come to you, that quiet but persistent voice is heard. Your friends and your family remind you that the war isn't over, that even though you can't find the strength to fight today, that this isn't the end. This isn't the first time you've fallen and it's not the last time you will get up. 

So you live, day to day, and you dream about tomorrow. Hoping for the day when we can lay down our scalpels, chemotherapy, and other weapons of cancer destruction to go ride a real roller coaster with a new appreciation of how fun life is. 

I go back to surgery soon and as I go to sleep I will remember that I have to be strong, that I believe in never giving up. I have often wondered where your brain goes when anesthesia tells your body not to move. I wonder where your soul sleeps while someone else breaths for you. I like to believe that it goes to all of those beautiful places we love. I'll be riding my horse through fields of daffodils and taking my cancer vacation.

Dear Cancer, 

     Maybe you've been wondering where I've been! I'm on vacation from you. In, October, you scared me beyond any Halloween decoration or Spooky Story! You caused me physical pain and emotional pain. You took me away from spending time with my precious sons! Now, you are forcing me to have surgery. But take a second look Cancer. Look at the smile on my face, the determination in my eyes. My mind has taken me to fields of wild flowers, to daffodils (the flower of hope). Places where horses run, fast as the wind! To mountains who's peaks  are high as the sun! And where snow glistens in moonlight. To ocean waves that gently peel into foamy white lines. Where John Denver sings, "Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy". Where Michael Bolton reminds me, "Gonna break these chains around me, Gonna learn to fly again, may be hard, but I'll do it."  

Here, there are no doctors or needles. No injections or IV's. Only the smiles of my friends, the arms of my family. Here I eat whatever I want .... chocolate, crawfish, big juicy hamburgers, bar-b-que- nachos, and guacamole ... and of course I go wherever I want .... Down to the waters edge, through the trees on a crooked rocky path, up the highest mountain seeing miles of earth below. 

This proves that your powers of control are waning. In fact, I'm having such a good time that I've decided to extend my vacation --- from you --- permanently. I hope to never see you again. (former blog post 2011)

When this disease tries to break me... when I've had all I can stand... I will go to the places I love to be knowing there,
I will close my eyes no matter where I am and go to the place where I am with my boys that I love more than anyone... I'll be with the friends who make me laugh... I'll be with those who keep me dancing... I'll be with my mother who holds my hand and reminds me as she squeezes my hand three times that I am loved and I am not alone.
That because He lives, no matter what life brings, I can face tomorrow. 

There are times when determined strength cracks under the pressure of what's ahead. Recently, I gained enormous respect for Valerie Harper and I admire her commitment to face death with a smile. 

Because of her and so many others like her, I am determined to be myself and not my diagnosis. I stand with her, challenged to live today, to be here in this moment, even if it's a sad one. 

We are all terminal,,,but I'm not going to your funeral and you're not coming to mine until that day. So none of us should grieve or fear that day...there's to much life to live in the between time. 

I've been down this road before, 
Never give up, never give in, 
Gonna lay down for awhile 
And then get up again.
No stopping now, 
Still a ways I know. 
More blogs to write, 
Life to live, 
Places to go. 

Soon I'll shed that patient gown for my cute pajamas and dance my way right out of that hospital room back to all of you. Believe with me.

I have decided to try to illustrate some of my thoughts through art to go along with my blog posts. I really am no artist but hoping you can laugh with me at my attempts!

Resiliency

"God sends the dawn

that we might see

the might-have-beens 

that still might be."

Robert Brault

Surviving cancer is a different experience for everyone. One thing I think most survivors can agree on though, is that life is not the same. I, for one, never again will take the act of waking up to a normal day of feeling healthy for granted, nor do those days go unappreciated. I've learned how beautiful a day can really be, that life is vibrant, and words have meaning. Even more significant perhaps than that, I know that relationships are more important than petty disagreements. 

I "died" of cancer in 2011. Now, a year and a half later, after a meticulous carcinoid regimen, I am reborn daily, into something remarkably more than life as I knew it before. Regardless of the symptoms of this disease, my goal is to transform loss and hardship into happiness. To demonstrate resiliency and empathy, 2 strengths that rescue us all in the face of pain or disappointment.

Resilience: a willingness to fight on, no matter what. The power or ability to return to the original form, or position after being bent, compressed or stretched. The ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like.

Honestly, if cancer patients don't have a need for resilience, I don't know who does! We've been bent, compressed, and stretched about as far as we can go. One minute you're cruising right along: Life is good, job is great, family life is sweet, you're happy and content. Then right out of nowhere, somethings not quite right, it requires a closer look and the next thing you know you're lying flat on your back looking at the world from a completely different angle. Being resilient, having a mindset that pushes you to restore yourself to health and life, is absolutely crucial.

Setbacks along the way for Cancer Survivors are not permanent conditions. It's just a pause from the direction we were headed. But there's nothing that says we stay there. I'm not trying to minimize what this disease takes from us, because it is HUGE and it feels HUGE. BUT... if we allow it to hold us back from recovering and rebounding to the person we are called to be, we are selling ourselves, and others, short. 

I like to think of cancer as a bump in the road,,,a minor setback, on the road to an otherwise fabulous life. If we always have the "C-word" hanging over our heads, then we will not be resilient and we hold ourselves back from the life that is waiting for us. This can be a challenge for those of us who are not "cured", but vital to being who we are intended to be and living life.

"God, grant me a vacation

to make bearable what I can't change.

A friend to make it funny,

and the wisdom to never get my knickers in a knot,

because it solves nothing,

and makes me walk funny."

Sandi Patty sang a song "In Heaven's Eyes". This song paints the picture of ordinary people loved by an extraordinary God. How that in Heaven's eyes, there are no losers, no hopeless cause. Just people like you, with feelings like me, amazed by the grace we can find. That when life happens... when we feel fragile and perhaps losing ground...God sees our heartache, feels the pain, knows each sorrow and hears every cry. If we look up, we will see compassion's fire ablaze in heaven's eyes. I believe that there is a God, who renews our strength, and who carries us when we have none. I believe it, because He's done it for me. 

Isaiah 65:24 says, "And it shall come to pass, that BEFORE they call, I will answer; and WHILE they are yet speaking, I will hear.

How awesome to know that the Creator of the Universe takes care of us, even before we know what we need. Because of Him, His love for us, His empathy demonstrated for us... we can be resilient. 

That obstacle in front of you today that may seem to big to tackle...THINK AGAIN.

Mama said there'd be days like these!

Feeling guilty about my silence, I wondered how will I start blogging again? Certainly there is no lack of stories to tell...but where to begin? I sat down to write a couple times, but there was just so much to say. Carcinoid Cancer is a daily struggle,... life keeps on going. My computer's blank white  screen, with a blinking cursor, seemed to mock my indecision. Today, perhaps being inspired by all things sunny and green, I decided to pick a few of the ideas I had been kicking around for the last couple months and write. Believing that a beautiful life is attainable, sometimes, you have to push past the pain.

Doctors are good at saving lives, unfortunately they just aren't very good at improving the quality of life for chronic conditions. After awhile, you go crazy looking at lab results, survival rates, symptom percentages; none of these numbers unlock any absolutes. When you have a rare cancer, it's largely guesswork-- and you hope your doctor is a good guesser.

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. - Barbara Kingsolver

While I am realistic about future complications, hope, is in the end, what gets me through, and makes the fight worthwhile.

To use the analogy of an onion...it's not until you peel back the layers... exposing the core... that your eyes begin to water and you feel that lump in your throat.

It's the same with life struggles. We all have them, just different stories,,, individual details,,, that at the core, help us to realize that who we are and what we are made of... continues to be peeled away (if we dare to look) and the hope of feeling better, coping better, and being better is always at the core. 

The body and the mind are inextricably connected; and the value of being loved can not be underestimated in a fight with elusive, rare cancers. I am reminded of the love and support of family and friends that continues to renew my strength. Thank YOU. Zebra hugs!!!



I received a card from the Cane River Artists, of which my Mother is a member. It said...


Butterflys: 

You have GOT to admire them -- setting off on a journey of no less than a thousand miles on only a wing and a prayer...yet they make it...

So will I.

There continue to be epic battles that no one is prepared to face, that no one wants to endure, yet I survive, never give up, never give in. A trait that, for those who know me personally, runs to the core of my existence. 

Someone once said "To love a person is to learn the song that is their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten. Recently,  a dear friend shared with me a story. A friend of her husband diagnosed with cancer wanted to go fishing. Her husband decided that the chores of life could wait, and that he would be there for his friend. While fishing, they met someone who after hearing the diagnosis asked if he could pray with them. After the prayer, he said to both gentlemen, "You did not pass this way by chance." Tears rolled and I spent the next few minutes in my friends arms. I knew, that cancer did not come into my life by chance either. When I discuss the reality that there is no cure for carcinoid cancer, I also want people to know that I believe in an Almighty God who is always faithful. That day He was faithful to me and placed my friend in a perfect place... and at a perfect time... to remind me of what I had temporarily forgotten. We are all in the hands of a God who loves us, who guides the details of our lives. He is Faithful. His love for us in not grounded in how we feel, nor in our performance, and not even in our love for Him. His love is grounded in His own faithfulness.

 I actually laughed when I saw this picture. I've never really been able to hide what I was thinking. Here, I had just been told that I was going to need to take a break and heal...Again!

 

While I am healing from a recent bout with pneumonia, I am thankful that with God I have the ability to handle this.

His Love extends deeper than anything I feel,

His Word is truer than anything I experience,

His Strength, more powerful that any circumstance I will ever face.