Merry Christmas

Two short years ago I was packing for surgery. I packed my suitcases for what would begin my journey of survivorship. I am still fighting, and I am still winning. The past couple months I have enjoyed time with friends and family experiencing those moments that make life great. This time of year always brings thoughts of relationships and I like to spend time thinking about how to make mine better. To begin, I had two great parties to celebrate those relationships. I finally had the costume party I had dreamed of. Halloween was an amazing event complete with ghouls and goblins of every sort. We then celebrated the Christmas season in our ugly Christmas sweaters. Being with friends, laughing and dancing, solidified my confidence that strength is gained in relationships.

Holidays can be a tough time, for a lot of reasons. This year, I can't help but to give pause and remember lives that, in my opinion, were just too short. One in particular that came without warning, Stacey Blevins. I've said before that many of us have no idea the impact we have on others. Often we never realize the significance of small gestures that change the course of some one's day. Stacey died unexpectedly after giving birth to her only child, a little girl, three weeks after becoming a Mother. Stacey always called me "Carson-Newman". She was familiar with where I had gone to college and just that nickname made me feel special. Those little things that we do, or don't do, can have a lasting impact in the lives of others. I do not aspire to be anyone else but the me that God created. I do though hope to be a better me every day. I learned from you Stacey and I am sorry that I never got the chance to tell you.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Stacey you were beautiful.

In October, I celebrated 2 years since diagnosis. I have achieved so many of my goals, living the truth that we are all so capable of so much more than we think we can do...including curing yourself from a "terminal illness". Buddha said, " The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." Medical statistics are known to speak in 5 year survival rates. When patients are just numbers there's no empathy for what even just another day can mean. God help me to remember that every moment makes a difference in the life of someone. That the veil between right now and even a year from now is thinner than we think. That though time seems to pass so quickly, spending it wisely is beyond just a catchy phrase. More than 75 years ago, Henry Luce wanted to choose a word that would describe the passing events of a day... he chose the word "Time". Time magazine has chronicled the events of our world in ways that have captured us. Often spurring emotions to be different than we are. As equally important as spending my time wisely help me also use my words wisely, recreating myself to not only be original, but also decent, moral and kind.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this...I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Luke 2:1 And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. 2:2 (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) 2:3 And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city. 2:4 And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) 2:5 To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with Child. 2:6 And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

2:7 And she brought forth her firstborn Son,
and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes, and laid Him in a manger;
because there was no room for them in the inn.


2:8 And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 2:9 And, lo, the angel of the LORD came upon them, and the glory of the LORD shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. 2:10 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. 2:11 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the LORD. 2:12 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the Babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. 2:13 And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, 2:14 Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. 2:15 And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into Heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the LORD hath made known unto us. 2:16 And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the Babe lying in a manger. 2:17 And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this Child. 2:18 And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told them by the shepherds. 2:19 But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart. 2:20 And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them. 2:21 And when eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the Child, His Name was called JESUS, which was so named of the angel before He was conceived in the womb.

I can do All things through Christ who strengthens me.



Tumors on the Horizon

I have blessed days that I forget I was diagnosed with a rare cancer. There are days that I feel guilty because I feel good and so many others do not. There are days that I get news of new tumors on the horizon and I am reminded that I am still fighting. 

Those of us in the medical field often warn our patients of the roller coaster ride of disease. I understand the analogy, but it's so much more than that when you are sitting on the other side of the desk. 

First, roller coasters are meant to be fun. I love the thrill of the ride. But, the ups, downs and surprising turns are incomparable to how this really feels. Most importantly there's no end of the line where you jump off the ride to go enjoy another. 

Cancer knocks you down and breaks your heart. There's no one there to hit the stop button when you want to get off. Cancer stands glaring at you when you have your head buried in your hands or on someones shoulder. You look back at it screaming Oh My God, I can't believe it's happening again, your strength is wavering and you wonder if this will be the end.

Life with cancer causes tears to fall, you get tired of walking the lonely hallways and you long to look into the mirror and not see fear starring back at you.Then the words come to you, that quiet but persistent voice is heard. Your friends and your family remind you that the war isn't over, that even though you can't find the strength to fight today, that this isn't the end. This isn't the first time you've fallen and it's not the last time you will get up. 

So you live, day to day, and you dream about tomorrow. Hoping for the day when we can lay down our scalpels, chemotherapy, and other weapons of cancer destruction to go ride a real roller coaster with a new appreciation of how fun life is. 

I go back to surgery soon and as I go to sleep I will remember that I have to be strong, that I believe in never giving up. I have often wondered where your brain goes when anesthesia tells your body not to move. I wonder where your soul sleeps while someone else breaths for you. I like to believe that it goes to all of those beautiful places we love. I'll be riding my horse through fields of daffodils and taking my cancer vacation.

Dear Cancer, 

     Maybe you've been wondering where I've been! I'm on vacation from you. In, October, you scared me beyond any Halloween decoration or Spooky Story! You caused me physical pain and emotional pain. You took me away from spending time with my precious sons! Now, you are forcing me to have surgery. But take a second look Cancer. Look at the smile on my face, the determination in my eyes. My mind has taken me to fields of wild flowers, to daffodils (the flower of hope). Places where horses run, fast as the wind! To mountains who's peaks  are high as the sun! And where snow glistens in moonlight. To ocean waves that gently peel into foamy white lines. Where John Denver sings, "Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy". Where Michael Bolton reminds me, "Gonna break these chains around me, Gonna learn to fly again, may be hard, but I'll do it."  

Here, there are no doctors or needles. No injections or IV's. Only the smiles of my friends, the arms of my family. Here I eat whatever I want .... chocolate, crawfish, big juicy hamburgers, bar-b-que- nachos, and guacamole ... and of course I go wherever I want .... Down to the waters edge, through the trees on a crooked rocky path, up the highest mountain seeing miles of earth below. 

This proves that your powers of control are waning. In fact, I'm having such a good time that I've decided to extend my vacation --- from you --- permanently. I hope to never see you again. (former blog post 2011)

When this disease tries to break me... when I've had all I can stand... I will go to the places I love to be knowing there,
I will close my eyes no matter where I am and go to the place where I am with my boys that I love more than anyone... I'll be with the friends who make me laugh... I'll be with those who keep me dancing... I'll be with my mother who holds my hand and reminds me as she squeezes my hand three times that I am loved and I am not alone.
That because He lives, no matter what life brings, I can face tomorrow. 

There are times when determined strength cracks under the pressure of what's ahead. Recently, I gained enormous respect for Valerie Harper and I admire her commitment to face death with a smile. 

Because of her and so many others like her, I am determined to be myself and not my diagnosis. I stand with her, challenged to live today, to be here in this moment, even if it's a sad one. 

We are all terminal,,,but I'm not going to your funeral and you're not coming to mine until that day. So none of us should grieve or fear that day...there's to much life to live in the between time. 

I've been down this road before, 
Never give up, never give in, 
Gonna lay down for awhile 
And then get up again.
No stopping now, 
Still a ways I know. 
More blogs to write, 
Life to live, 
Places to go. 

Soon I'll shed that patient gown for my cute pajamas and dance my way right out of that hospital room back to all of you. Believe with me.

I have decided to try to illustrate some of my thoughts through art to go along with my blog posts. I really am no artist but hoping you can laugh with me at my attempts!

Resiliency

"God sends the dawn

that we might see

the might-have-beens 

that still might be."

Robert Brault

Surviving cancer is a different experience for everyone. One thing I think most survivors can agree on though, is that life is not the same. I, for one, never again will take the act of waking up to a normal day of feeling healthy for granted, nor do those days go unappreciated. I've learned how beautiful a day can really be, that life is vibrant, and words have meaning. Even more significant perhaps than that, I know that relationships are more important than petty disagreements. 

I "died" of cancer in 2011. Now, a year and a half later, after a meticulous carcinoid regimen, I am reborn daily, into something remarkably more than life as I knew it before. Regardless of the symptoms of this disease, my goal is to transform loss and hardship into happiness. To demonstrate resiliency and empathy, 2 strengths that rescue us all in the face of pain or disappointment.

Resilience: a willingness to fight on, no matter what. The power or ability to return to the original form, or position after being bent, compressed or stretched. The ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like.

Honestly, if cancer patients don't have a need for resilience, I don't know who does! We've been bent, compressed, and stretched about as far as we can go. One minute you're cruising right along: Life is good, job is great, family life is sweet, you're happy and content. Then right out of nowhere, somethings not quite right, it requires a closer look and the next thing you know you're lying flat on your back looking at the world from a completely different angle. Being resilient, having a mindset that pushes you to restore yourself to health and life, is absolutely crucial.

Setbacks along the way for Cancer Survivors are not permanent conditions. It's just a pause from the direction we were headed. But there's nothing that says we stay there. I'm not trying to minimize what this disease takes from us, because it is HUGE and it feels HUGE. BUT... if we allow it to hold us back from recovering and rebounding to the person we are called to be, we are selling ourselves, and others, short. 

I like to think of cancer as a bump in the road,,,a minor setback, on the road to an otherwise fabulous life. If we always have the "C-word" hanging over our heads, then we will not be resilient and we hold ourselves back from the life that is waiting for us. This can be a challenge for those of us who are not "cured", but vital to being who we are intended to be and living life.

"God, grant me a vacation

to make bearable what I can't change.

A friend to make it funny,

and the wisdom to never get my knickers in a knot,

because it solves nothing,

and makes me walk funny."

Sandi Patty sang a song "In Heaven's Eyes". This song paints the picture of ordinary people loved by an extraordinary God. How that in Heaven's eyes, there are no losers, no hopeless cause. Just people like you, with feelings like me, amazed by the grace we can find. That when life happens... when we feel fragile and perhaps losing ground...God sees our heartache, feels the pain, knows each sorrow and hears every cry. If we look up, we will see compassion's fire ablaze in heaven's eyes. I believe that there is a God, who renews our strength, and who carries us when we have none. I believe it, because He's done it for me. 

Isaiah 65:24 says, "And it shall come to pass, that BEFORE they call, I will answer; and WHILE they are yet speaking, I will hear.

How awesome to know that the Creator of the Universe takes care of us, even before we know what we need. Because of Him, His love for us, His empathy demonstrated for us... we can be resilient. 

That obstacle in front of you today that may seem to big to tackle...THINK AGAIN.

Mama said there'd be days like these!

Feeling guilty about my silence, I wondered how will I start blogging again? Certainly there is no lack of stories to tell...but where to begin? I sat down to write a couple times, but there was just so much to say. Carcinoid Cancer is a daily struggle,... life keeps on going. My computer's blank white  screen, with a blinking cursor, seemed to mock my indecision. Today, perhaps being inspired by all things sunny and green, I decided to pick a few of the ideas I had been kicking around for the last couple months and write. Believing that a beautiful life is attainable, sometimes, you have to push past the pain.

Doctors are good at saving lives, unfortunately they just aren't very good at improving the quality of life for chronic conditions. After awhile, you go crazy looking at lab results, survival rates, symptom percentages; none of these numbers unlock any absolutes. When you have a rare cancer, it's largely guesswork-- and you hope your doctor is a good guesser.

The very least you can do in your life is to figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof. - Barbara Kingsolver

While I am realistic about future complications, hope, is in the end, what gets me through, and makes the fight worthwhile.

To use the analogy of an onion...it's not until you peel back the layers... exposing the core... that your eyes begin to water and you feel that lump in your throat.

It's the same with life struggles. We all have them, just different stories,,, individual details,,, that at the core, help us to realize that who we are and what we are made of... continues to be peeled away (if we dare to look) and the hope of feeling better, coping better, and being better is always at the core. 

The body and the mind are inextricably connected; and the value of being loved can not be underestimated in a fight with elusive, rare cancers. I am reminded of the love and support of family and friends that continues to renew my strength. Thank YOU. Zebra hugs!!!



I received a card from the Cane River Artists, of which my Mother is a member. It said...


Butterflys: 

You have GOT to admire them -- setting off on a journey of no less than a thousand miles on only a wing and a prayer...yet they make it...

So will I.

There continue to be epic battles that no one is prepared to face, that no one wants to endure, yet I survive, never give up, never give in. A trait that, for those who know me personally, runs to the core of my existence. 

Someone once said "To love a person is to learn the song that is their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten. Recently,  a dear friend shared with me a story. A friend of her husband diagnosed with cancer wanted to go fishing. Her husband decided that the chores of life could wait, and that he would be there for his friend. While fishing, they met someone who after hearing the diagnosis asked if he could pray with them. After the prayer, he said to both gentlemen, "You did not pass this way by chance." Tears rolled and I spent the next few minutes in my friends arms. I knew, that cancer did not come into my life by chance either. When I discuss the reality that there is no cure for carcinoid cancer, I also want people to know that I believe in an Almighty God who is always faithful. That day He was faithful to me and placed my friend in a perfect place... and at a perfect time... to remind me of what I had temporarily forgotten. We are all in the hands of a God who loves us, who guides the details of our lives. He is Faithful. His love for us in not grounded in how we feel, nor in our performance, and not even in our love for Him. His love is grounded in His own faithfulness.

 I actually laughed when I saw this picture. I've never really been able to hide what I was thinking. Here, I had just been told that I was going to need to take a break and heal...Again!

 

While I am healing from a recent bout with pneumonia, I am thankful that with God I have the ability to handle this.

His Love extends deeper than anything I feel,

His Word is truer than anything I experience,

His Strength, more powerful that any circumstance I will ever face.

May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor

Imagine you were told today,

Death would come sooner that just some day.

Imagine your heart skipping a beat,

Cancer had struck and you felt defeat.

Imagine a hand reaching out to hold,

Offering love, friendship, and strength to be bold.

Imagine a Mother ready to fight,

Two boys who needed her, she couldn't die that night.

Imagine a nurse who was now the patient,

Her friends and her family would be her inspiration.

Imagine a year since the news that day,

And YOU will know the power when God's children Pray.

I think we are all guilty of waiting and hoping for someday in the future when our lives will be different. When we have the time...the money...the right moment! We wait to pursue our hopes, goals, and dreams. For many of us, someday never comes. We just continue to postpone our lives waiting for that perfect time in our lives. We become consumed with the worries of tomorrow, the regrets of yesterday, and how busy we are today. We miss out on the very moment, the only day we are promised, to change our lives ... TODAY! We miss today. Full of opportunities to touch and inspire others around you. To remember without regret. To live fully self-expressed.

I promised myself one year ago that I wouldn't just look at life differently, I would also live differently. I took time to notice things that before would have gone on the "Later" list. I've cried, hurt, feared, screamed, laughed, healed, challenged, loved and celebrated.

 Cancer taught me about TODAY.

I've learned that today is the day to say "I love you."

Today is the day to tell someone "I appreciate you more than you will ever know"

Today is the day to say, "I'm sorry, will you forgive me" and today is the day to "Forgive"

Today is the day to forgive yourself, to let go, to love life.

Today is the day to stop and count your blessings.

TODAY it is my hope that your life will be forever changed. Today is the day I hope you remember. When looking back on your life, to say, "THAT was the DAY"!!!  That was the day I started living differently. That was the day I started living my life to the fullest... no matter where ... no matter the circumstances. 

Tied together by the staff of the
RNICU, Bound Forever in Love

This blog, for the most part, has been an unedited revealing of myself. In anticipation of this day, I had spent some time working on what I would say on such an important milestone of my life. I thought I had it finished but I was surprised, overwhelmed, when I walked into the UAB RNICU today. Here is another picture diary of what I experienced. 

My Nurse Manager, Donna Purvis, who made working with cancer a possiblilty.

Page Paradise who will never let me stop fighting!

Christie Campbell who introduced me to "The Faces of Cancer"
A calendar constructed to raise money for research and awareness.

Jennifer and Chrisie, a smiling face and a comforting word were always there when I needed it.

This sign read "Happy 1st Anniversary Juliet! Not just another Survivor - Our Hero"
Really.... They are mine!

I can't believe it! I'm a grape!!!!
Toni, you can finally retire.

That face says, how could I ever thank you enough

Susan, Mama Sue! Always supportive, loving, and full of hugs!

Hoping that one day Carcinoid Cancer will be a ghost of the past

Thanks Jeff, you always make a day at work easier.

Lynette, a woman of many talents. Thank you for the
great cake and the heart-warming signs. I'll never forget
this day!

Kerri Alecia, thanks for helping with the details
during my leave. You are special to me, to all of us.

Tatayana, you are #1 in my book, no matter
what language you're speaking!
Denise, thank you and I still use my Garmin
to get me where I need to go.

Melissa, Marla, and Lyndsey! Your prayers and letters
helped me fight on hard days!

Nancy and Helen, there is nothing more warm than
your genuine smile and concern for me.

Andrea, Felicia, Angie, Amanda, Stephanie!
I've loved watching all of you grow into
amazing nurses.
 " If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning,if there is no sudden healing...This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it means to be loved and to know, the promise was .... that when everything fell, We'd be held."  

My dear precious family .... thank you for holding me.

To Hurried to Heal

Recently I had a candid discussion with my doctor. In discussing my current disease state and prognosis the medical advise was to "Be strong. Create a mental toughness that allows you to experience some freedom from cancer." At first, I was kind of offended. I thought .... what do you mean, "be strong, mentally tough"... I have been. I am usually my worse critic. I immediately started thinking of how I could be stronger. What could I do to achieve the mental toughness that could create a "mind over matter" and beat cancer. Not just to create "some" freedom from cancer, but compete freedom. I talked to the wisest woman I know ... Mama! She said, "Sometimes you have to be weak and in doing so you find strength. Julie, you need to stop trying to be so strong. Take the time you need to heal. Lay down, take a nap when you don't feel good. It's ok. Don't feel like you just always have to keep going." Taking all that in I realized that I'd been to hurried to heal. It was time to slow down. I don't believe that God causes bad or unfortunate events in our lives. I believe that God is all good, all the time. He promises to bring good from evil and  He just proved it again in my life. I was rear- ended in a recent car accident and it broke my collar bone. I had to slow down and I believe it has been good for me.

I recently stumbled upon a wall of portraits. Mama and I were looking for a quiet place to sit while I waited for another dose of poison to work its way through my cells. As we made our way down a long hallway we began reading the stories of the people in those portraits. Each one seemed familiar to me. I felt like I knew them. I would go to the next picture and again, the same response. I knew these women. There stories were similar. There messages familiar. 

" Don't let fear paralyze you" from a woman prepared to fight, researching her enemy and planning her attack. 

"Fight like hell and know that you are not alone." The message from a woman who knows the power of the Great Physician. Who asked, just like me....do I have a fighting chance....I want to see my boys grow up.

"Let your family be there for you. Don't push them away." Her husband spoke of her determination. During chemotherapy she kept playing softball. He watched her make a hit, long and hard. As she rounded second base her knees started to give and he knew she was fighting hard to keep going. She went down, but just for a second.

" You're going to live. It's not the end of the world." The message from a strong woman, active as a writer and a mother. She too believes in angels. Her heart is powerful, as is her voice, trusting herself, listening to her body, being persistent and sometimes insistent, she keeps her weapons sharp.

As I walked back down this wall decorated with beauty and strength, they all seemed to smile at me. Their message, we've been where you are and we beat this....you will too.

A day in the life of a Survivor

"From the time of discovery and for the balance of life, an individual diagnosed with cancer is a survivor"

The NCCS (National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship) put forth this definition of 'survivor' in 1986. A time when cancer was a disease people needed to learn to fight. All my hopes, expectations, attitudes and actions didn't change the fact that I became a cancer patient. What I have been able to do, from the moment of diagnosis on, has been to take steps to make my life the best it could possibly be under the circumstances. I was... I am... thankful for this term, survivor, that kept me from ever feeling like a victim...the most commonly used term for people with cancer. Labels speak volumes about who we are and how we see ourselves. Surviving for me is about embracing your life ... no matter the circumstances ... and finding some happiness today while hoping for a better tomorrow.

Carcinoid is rare -- and nobody -- not even the experts, really understand it. The medical mystery behind this zebra has yet to be solved. This past month in addition to increased pain and my usual nausea,  night sweats, day sweats, and extreme fatigue, I am having severe headaches and dizziness. Bending over to put a dish in the dishwasher can be hazardous ... I almost fell in! For now, it seems, these are just symptoms of Carcinoid that I will continue to face. Carcinoid scatters throughout organs like the esophagus, stomach, pancreas, intestines, liver, and lungs. It also causes valvular disease in the heart. At my last echocardiogram, all four of my heart valves have been affected. 1/3 of carcinoid deaths are a result of the failure of these valves. Reportedly food moves through the carcinoid patient 2-6 times faster than normal. Resulting in malabsorption and electrolyte imbalances. The dizziness is, no doubt, related to those imbalances. 

 "You look great"... I've heard this expression many times and I am just not sure how to respond. The thing is, pain for the most part is invisible, until it causes our facial features to contort, and our eyes and bodies grow weak from exhaustion. The truth is, every day activities have become mini battles. Little things that used to be non-issues are now my nemesis. Sleeping with a towel to soak up the sweat, scarfing down nausea pills, having to stop and rest---alot, little whimpers of pain that squeak out. Truth is ... I'm tired. But I am not defeated. Marvin Sapp has a song and the lyrics really spoke to me. I'd like to share them with all of you.

So glad I made it,

I made it through

In spite of the storm and rain, heartache and pain

I'm still alive declaring you

So if you see me cry

It's just a sign that I

am still alive.

In spite of calamity

He still has a plan for me

 it's working for my good and

 it's building my testimony.

I realize that this post may actually be gloomy. I would be dishonest though if I didn't share this part of the journey too. There are times when it's just hard to think positive. I'd like to be a  strong advocate for sick people. I'd like to always have the "right" attitude, but I don't. So on that note, to anyone working in the medical field who can make a difference. Uncomfortable, long waits in uncomfortable chairs, laying on a piece of paper, on a hard examining table wearing a paper gown is not therapeutic. The fact is, waiting rooms and doctors offices need interior decorators and entertainers.



After the rain, comes the sun

Something about watching a baby, who would fit in the palm of your hand, cling to life... challenges me to continue, to press on, to push through. I know that as I hold these babies in my hands, that God holds us all. Calling work early Sunday morning, to tell them I couldn't be there... I had to recite those encouraging words, "I know the plans I have for you, and they are good."  Tears flowed easily that morning and since.  It seems that the nausea and pain in my stomach are increasing daily. Though days are harder, I believe that just as sure as God has a purpose for the very complicated and often painful beginnings that many of my precious patients face... that there is also purpose for the trials in my life. Climbing those mountains enables us to really appreciate the beauty of our surroundings, but you don't get to see that until you summit the top. Then suddenly the climb is worth it.

It's raining outside today, and as I write tears are raining down my face. I don't know what exactly I might have to endure physically, what effect surgeries or treatments or medications might have on my already weakened body. I do know that leaving my boys again, not being able to perform my role as a neonatal nurse, stirs emotion to deep to even recite.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." So even when it hurts, even when it's hard, even when everything seems to fall apart ...  as I cough back the bile and flush the blood down the toilet, this zebra focuses on the most important thing ... He is Able, He alone is my Strength, my Shield. There is a reason and He makes all things good.


As I come to the corners of my life, I realize that though I can't see around them ... God can. Through love and sorrow, happiness and pain, I dare not forget whose child I am. So when it's dark and raining ... "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine." Remembering that after the rain comes the sun.

From Calculating Tumor Markers to Marking the Calendars

After I backed out of my last scheduled scans and realized, I just couldn't do it. Well I could do it ... but I didn't want to do it. And, I had decided not to. I'll  try to explain why. 

Cancer takes things away from you at times when you... have other plans. There are those times when the dark skies are threatening rain, even though you've planned the most perfect picnic day. Worse, when you have something you've really looked forward to and that day, you wake up sick.

But this was a day all set aside for Cancer! A whole day for the thing that invaded my life and would will to take it. But this day, I didn't feel bad. I felt good. And any day that you feel good, you want to live it!
So!!! I surprised cancer once again. A day cancer thought it had me for sure...I changed my mind!!! and changed my plans!!!
 I did go to my oncologists office later that day to explain myself. And while she looked at me, puzzled, she responded with, "That's ok, we will reschedule... but I need to draw your tumor markers before you go."
  I skipped to the lab, gave my blood sacrifice, and drove home.
 I still felt good. I had a great day. I enjoyed being with my family...I sat with on the porch and laughed over tea.
Days pass and then results were in!

Tumor Markers Elevated.

I've spent some time listening. Listening for that still small voice to tell me what to do. What the next move is, the next doctor to trust. I've been raised in generations of doctors, I have a special place for them. But I realize, maybe at times more than they do, that they are human just like me. To trust them... with my life, would be to trust in vain. My trust is in the Lord. The One who created the doctor and gave him the passion to cure.

I am reminded today of something my doctor in Louisiana said. "This isn't a race ... I'm not just running for cancer... I'll crawl for a cure." 

I have given up alot already to this disease. The one thing I refuse to do, is to give up my good days. Today I laughed watching old home movies of the boys. Watching turtles eat worms and seeing those little boy faces, hearing those precious voices...those were good times. Watching the boys laugh at themselves made today a good day.
 I refuse to race through my life. I want to take my time, in whatever quantity, and soak it up. I want to remember to treasure all those moments. So that on that "sick" day, I can think about those good times and what I have to look forward too.
When you have a diagnosis of cancer, quickly cancers voice can be very loud, drowning out sometimes even your own. There is a moment when you reclaim it. When it's time to turn down the volume and talk back. Some days you need to reschedule and take that time to enjoy the life that is yours.

I am really excited about an event I've been asked to be apart of. A calendar to raise awareness is being created. Women with all types of cancers, at all stages of life, are being featured. The proceeds from the calendar will go to cancer research and to aid families with expenses. I will be photographed and interviewed later this month. I am honored and excited.  

Some days are diamonds!

We made it ...Graduation 2012



 When I first started writing my blog, initially it was a way to share information about my rare cancer with family, friends, and co-workers. I had no idea how sharing my un-edited self would help me deal with this disease. What surprised me even more was how others have been interested in what I have to say. I am incredibly grateful for the amazing support this blog has provided me. I am pleasantly surprised and thankful that the blog is being seen literally around the world. Currently there are views from Germany, United Kingdom, Canada, Russia, Australia, Philippines, Japan, Latvia, United Arab Emirates, Honduras, Greece, Guatemala, Malasia, Ukraine and France! Wow!


I am still fighting symptoms, but I met another goal. I was able to return to work! What a sense of accomplishment for me. I felt like I had given Cancer another swift kick with a message: Still fighting...and still winning!

So happy to have Mana here.

Joseph Campbell said "Life is without meaning. You bring meaning to it. The meaning of life is whatever you ascribe it to be. Being alive is the meaning." "Meaning" to my life comes in so many different ways; hugs from the nurses (friends...sisters) that I work with, moments with my children... like when my son Jordan said, (when asked how he was dealing with things) "My Mom is like my best friend, and if something happened to her, I don't know what I'd do"...slowly those worried faces are smiling more. Perhaps the greatest testament to my life is the fact that I can take a breath, that I am smiling and have lived to see the depth of love and care that I have been shown by so many. Hope always lived inside me, but in all of you it found it's wings.

Sometimes I feel like I hear a kitchen timer in my heart, ticking down the days - hours - seconds until my next surgery, or MRI, or CT, or OS - or any other medical acronym that brings with it paper gowns and poisoned injections. My younger body was riddled with scars. I was always active riding horses or building pyramids in cheerleading. Most of them are at least 25 years old and have faded so they aren't noticeable. Now my body has a new scar. It's a strange alien-like thumbprint from my sternum to my pubic bone. To an outsider, the scar may not seem like much -- but for me, it has some strange mystical power. It's a reminder of how my body was taken from me for a while. I still haven't gotten it all back, but I'm making progress. My most recent scans revealed a place in my right lung and another in my colon. I return to Ocshner in July.


Every day my energy and passion are restored
My hope, renewed and replenished.
I'll keep moving forward, until it is finished.
Keep on fighting until there's a cure, 
for me there is only one answer...
To live in a world where no one hears, the words...   "you have cancer".